Sunday, March 30, 2014
I have not updated my blog in a few years. I have honestly been waiting for something exciting to blog about. Although we have been on many vacations in the last 2 years and had a lot of fun, there is one thing that I keep waiting for... When are we ever going to become parents? We just celebrated our 5 year wedding anniversary. We have now been trying for 3 years. I never in my wildest dreams thought that this would be my trial. After one year, I began to worry. We went to a specialist in sandy and he had us tested in many ways, but found nothing wrong. He sent us to a dr. In Layton and I was sure we would get pregnant soon. I spent a year taking chlomid and farmira. ( which makes me a crazy person) then the dr. Found that my uterine lining was thick, so I got a surgery where they scrape the lining out. I then took more medication and tried 3 artificial inseminations. None worked. I felt devistated. Why doesn't Heavenly Father answer my prayers? Does he think I would be a bad mom? I have a hard time going to church. Even though I'm happy for friends and people in my ward for their growing families, I can't help but feel like we're getting left behind. I feel like my whole life has been a big practicle joke. I have always wanted to be a mom. As a kid, I loved playing with my baby dolls and dreamed of the day I would hold my own baby in my arms. I decided not to go to college but instead attend hair school because I wanted to stay home with my children but still have some income. I even quit my job and built a salon in my home so I could be ready. My patriarticle blessing talks about my children throughout the entire blessing. Is the joke on me? Surely Heavenly Father knows that this trial is possibly the worst thing that I could have ever imagined happening to me. How am I supposed to keep the faith? It feels at times like having faith and hope only makes my pain worse when each month my dreams and hopes are shattered and my heart breaks in two. After years of disappointment and tears, we decided to put it all behind us and went to talk about adoption. I told my parents that I would no longer try to conceive my own baby and that we wanted to adopt. They talked to my grandma and she wanted to give us the money to try invetro. So that's where I am at now.... More testing, more hormones, more surgery... I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I switched back to the sandy doctor because he is a much better doctor than the one I was seeing. He has already been more help to me than the other. Even though I know there is a chance the invetro could work, I won't let myself get to excited or hopeful because I know that if it doesn't work, I'm going to be officially broken. This is the last chance for my dream to become a reality and if it doesn't work, I am afraid I may go into a depression that will never go away. I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through this to understand my pain, but just in case you were wondering how I am doing, here is a sliver of what goes through my mind every day. I know that I can adopt and be a mother in that way, but not having the option to bear my own children has been the single most hard thing I have ever been through. I hope I am learning what Heavenly Father wants me to learn from all this, cause I can't see any good that's come of it. All I know is that I have absolutely no control over any of it. I have been betrayed by my own body despite having taken such good care of it all my life. Anyways, I just read this and realized that I sound like such a Debby downer. I do know that I am blessed in so many ways. I have an amazing husband and friends and family. I love the gospel and I know for certain that Heavenly Father is aware of my trials and tears. There have been many times when I'm feeling really down that a friend who can relate has suddenly texted or called me. Those are the little things that help comfort me when I need it most. I have a few clients that have been through this very thing and they cry with me when I open up to them about how I feel. I have an amazing family that even though they can't relate to how I feel, are there to hug me when I need it most. Even though I have no idea how this story will turn out, I have hope that I will make it through and can still be happy. I'm trying to remember that my dreams and gods plan are not the same.