The craziest year of my life!

ok, i have been meaning to post this for a long time now, but i have been lazy. over the last 4 years, Alec and i have been trying to become parents. we have been in and out of doctors offices, getting tests of every kind done, and they never could tell us why we weren't getting pregnant. it was really frustraring. it was the hardest thing i have ever been through and i would not wish it on my worst enemy. i wont go into too much detail, but i spent years on chlomid and femera.. both of which make me a crazy person... and then i developed complications from taking those drugs and had was lead to believe that i had uterine cancer.... then i switched doctors and he found that i had polyps in my uterus from taking those drugs.. so long story short, i had 2 surgeries and 3 failed IUI's. During all of this, i was really depressed.  i cried myself to sleep on countless occasions, and i drove Alec crazy. i then decided that i wanted to adopt because the thought of going back to the dr. to become a test rat again made me physically ill. after talking to LDS services, i was even more depressed because there are hundreds of couples just waiting for a baby, and teen moms are more likely to keep their babies now a days. during all of this, i was shocked when my sweet grandma Weaver offered to pay for us to do invetro fertilization, or IVF. i didn't think i wanted to do that before because of the cost and there was no guarantee that it would work. not to mention how physically and mentally draining it is. i also was hesitant to take the money because i was afraid of letting everyone down. after Alec and i prayed about it, we decided to give it a try. i am so grateful for my sweet grandma for this opportunity that i cry just thinking about it. so we started getting re tested for everything under the sun in February. it took 3 months for all the testing to be complete. then came the fun part.. Alec had to give me 3 shots in the tummy every night. 2 were to make me grow eggs. 1 was to stop me from ovulating.

the shots felt like a bee sting. 

then i had to ride the tracks down to sandy every day so they could do an ultra sound (the probing kind) and take my blood to test my hormone levels so they could adjust the doses. this went on for around 2 weeks. then when all my eggs were mature, i had surgery to get the eggs out. 

my ovaries felt so swollen and tender because ovaries are usually the size of an almond, but when doing IVF, they are the size of a small orange. the day after the egg retrieval, my sweet grandpa Weaver passed away. he died of alstheimers disease. it was crazy timing because without him, i would not have had this oppurtunity. i hope he knows how much i appreciate him. anyways, after the egg retrieval, the eggs were fertilized by Alec's sperm in a petrie dish. (weird) we had 5 good embryos. they decided to wait until day 3 to see which ones looked best for implantation. on day 3 they all still looked good. so my dr. called me and told me to wait until day 5. thats when an embryo becomes a blastocyst. (blastocysts have a higher chance of becoming a baby.) but he also informed me that they may all die before then, so i was taking a chance. i decided to wait. (i was way stressed out) so on day 5, we went to the dr. office, and they informed us that only 2 of the 5 had made it to become a blastocyst. Then we had to decide to put 1 or 2 in. Alec insisted on putting them both in, so i agreed. then we had to wait for 2 weeks to see if we were pregnant or not... (longest 2 weeks of my life)

here we are about to transfer the 2 embryos. Alec had to wear a hospital gown too... we also were in a dark room because the embryos are sensitive to light. they also told us not to wear any strong scents because the embryos are sensitive to smell... weird!!

here they are... 2 beautiful day 5 blastocysts. we named them bubbles and Q. Im not sure where we got those... were just weirdos. 

here is my great hubby... he deserves a medal for putting up with me through this journey... heaven knows i was not easy to live with. so while waiting those agonizing 2 weeks, i was sure that i was going to get my period.. i had the worst cramps. they told me not to take home tests because you can get a false positive. they gave me a trigger shot right before i had the egg retrieval. they cause positive pregnancy tests for up to 2 weeks after getting them. i had an appt. to get a blood draw to find out. the night before the blood draw... i broke down and tested at home....

i was so shocked when i saw this.... i didn't let myself get too excited yet because i told myself it was just because of that shot i had taken.... so the next day, i went in for my blood draw. they said they would call me within 4 hours to tell me the results. that was a long 4 hours. they called me and told me that i was PREGNANT!!! i was so happy that i hung up, called Alec at work and we both balled. i was on cloud 9 all day. i cant even begin to express the joy i felt. and i know i have so many family and friends that were praying for me! i am so blessed! then i had to go in the next week to see how many had implanted, because i had put 2 embryos in... 

BAM! i had twins!! i was excited and really nervous all at once... they still didn't have heart beats yet though, i was only 5 weeks. i had to go in at 6 weeks to see if they had a heart beat. the next week, only one had a heart beat, and the other had split into identical twins!!! AHHHHH! i thought i was going to have 3 babies! i went in 2 weeks later to see if the twins had heartbeats, and they didnt. i spent those 2 weeks laying awake with worry. i was so happy to be pregnant but also sad that there were no heart beats on those twins. it was a roller coaster. when i went in at 8 weeks, my dr. confirmed that i would be having one baby. i would be lying if i said i wasn't a little relieved... 3 babies would have been really challenging. so we announced our pregnancy like this on Facebook

and, were having a little boy. due on February 1st 2015. we could not be any more excited!!!! i have been pretty sick this pregnancy, but i would gladly puke every day if it means i get to be his mommy. 

this is the only picture i have been able to see of his face because he is always hiding from us... and he is also really smashed in there... i cant wait to see him! 

and here i am... getting bigger and bigger by the day. i am currently 28 weeks. i am so thankful! everything has been going great! 

Venting.

I have not updated my blog in a few years. I have honestly been waiting for something exciting to blog about. Although we have been on many vacations in the last 2 years and had a lot of fun, there is one thing that I keep waiting for... When are we ever going to become parents? We just celebrated our  5 year wedding anniversary. We have now been trying for 3 years. I never in my wildest dreams thought that this would be my trial. After one year, I began to worry. We went to a specialist in sandy and he had us tested in many ways, but found nothing wrong. He sent us to a dr. In Layton and I was sure we would get pregnant soon. I spent a year taking chlomid and farmira. ( which makes me a crazy person) then the dr. Found that my uterine lining was thick, so I got a surgery where they scrape the lining out. I then took more medication and tried 3 artificial inseminations. None worked. I felt devistated. Why doesn't Heavenly Father answer my prayers? Does he think I would be a bad mom? I have a hard time going to church. Even though I'm  happy for friends and people in my ward for their growing families, I can't help but feel like we're getting left behind. I feel like my whole life has been a big practicle joke. I have always wanted to be a mom. As a kid, I loved playing with my baby dolls and dreamed of the day I would hold my own baby in my arms. I decided not to go to college but instead attend hair school because I wanted to stay home with my children but still have some income. I even quit my job and built a salon in my home so I could be ready. My patriarticle blessing talks about my children throughout the entire blessing. Is the joke on me? Surely Heavenly Father knows that this trial is possibly the worst thing that I could have ever imagined happening to me. How am I supposed to keep the faith? It feels at times like having faith and hope only makes my pain worse when each month  my dreams and hopes are shattered and my heart breaks in two. After years of disappointment and tears, we decided to put it all behind us and went to talk about adoption. I told my parents  that I would no longer try to conceive my own baby and that we wanted to adopt.  They talked to my grandma and she wanted to give us the money to try invetro. So that's where I am at now.... More testing, more hormones, more surgery... I honestly don't know how much more I can take. I switched back to the sandy doctor because he is a much better doctor than the one I was seeing. He has already been more help to me than the other.  Even though I know there is a chance the invetro could work, I won't let myself get to excited or hopeful because I know that if it doesn't work, I'm going to be officially broken. This is the last chance for my dream to become a reality and if it doesn't work, I am afraid I may go into a depression that will never go away. I don't expect anyone who hasn't gone through this to understand my pain, but just in case you were wondering how I am doing, here is a sliver of what goes through my mind every day. I know that I can adopt and be a mother in that way, but not having the option to bear my own children has been the single most hard thing I have ever been through. I hope I am learning what Heavenly Father wants me to learn from all this, cause I can't see any good that's come of it. All I know is that I have absolutely no control over any of it. I have been betrayed by my own body despite having taken such good care of it all my life. Anyways, I just read this and realized that I sound like such a Debby downer. I do know that I am blessed in so many ways. I have an amazing husband and friends and family. I love the gospel and I know for certain that Heavenly Father is aware of my trials and tears. There have been many times when I'm feeling really down that a friend who can relate has suddenly texted or called me. Those are the little things that help comfort me when I need it most.  I have a few clients that have been through this very thing and they cry with me when I open up to them about how I feel.  I have an amazing family that even though they can't relate to how I feel, are there to hug me when I need it most. Even though I have no idea how this story will turn out, I have hope that I will make it through and can still be happy.  I'm trying to remember that my dreams and gods plan are not the same.