Sunday, August 21, 2011

The baby blues. :(

we have been married for two and a half years now and for the first two solid years having a baby never even crossed my mind. but all of a sudden its like a switch has flipped in my head. i really want to be a mom. i always just figured that when we wanted a baby, it would happen no problem. boy was i wrong. :( we have been off birth control for a year and a half. we started really "trying" in May. its been four months in a row of disappointment. the first two months were the hardest. i would have myself convinced that we were pregnant. and when i found out i wasn't i would just ball. now I'm on to month five. i am starting to get concerned. i have planned on being a mom my entire life. i always looked up to my mom for being an awesome stay at home mom. its even the reason i went to hair school. i have always planned on staying home with my kids and doing hair to make money. now i have a house.... i am building a salon in my house... and i am not getting pregnant. :( what if i cant have kids??? i had never even considered this being a problem before. people tell me not to worry about it.. but its always in the back of my mind. i went to a friends house last night to see her new baby. i couldn't help but wonder what it would be like to hold my own baby in my arms. the thought of it never happening breaks my heart. :( i just don't understand why we cant get pregnant. it doesn't make sense that heavenly father would allow all of these 16 year olds and single moms to have a baby but not a couple who want it and have been sealed in the temple. i know we would be really good parents. anyways... i guess i will just keep praying and be patient and hope that it will happen for us. i know it takes people a long time sometimes but its just really hard. i just needed to vent for a minute.

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